We had already concluded our six-month fling a few years ago when I ran into my former Tindercrush, Kenan, again on Happn. He still had the same – admittedly, very handsome – profile picture, which he had probably been scoring with all these years. I just got out of a brief courtship and ventured on a dating carousel again…
During that headhunting you always come across a few familiar heads. Friends of friends, exes (the horror!) and former matches. I came across Kenan again, couldn’t contain my curiosity and swiped right. “Congratulations, you have a new match.” Three years after our summer of love, Kenan and I were in touch again…
He was still handsome and witty
He started the conversation: “You’ve been wandering around here (on the dating apps) forever, aren’t you?” I was immediately irritated by his self-righteous attitude, but admittedly, in the conversation that followed he was as witty and charming as I remembered him. I understood my younger self, who had fallen head over heels for him.
However, the romance of that time was doomed to fail. I just got out of a 10-year relationship and was incredibly naive. Kenan turned out to be a mega player. We had the best time together for six months until he gave me my first (and last) STD and I broke off contact (with a tear). You can hardly be more naive than I was then. No, I never actually asked if we were “exclusive”, but I assumed he wasn’t dating anyone else since we saw each other almost every day. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I only wanted to kiss a little
Anyway, we were talking again and by now I was on a lot of dates and even a year of dating. I felt more confident than ever and looked very different now than three years ago. We kept talking and the very next Saturday we actually planned a date. I didn’t need anything from him. Just wanted to feel what it would be like to see him again, with the knowledge and confidence of now. Maybe a little kiss. Keep a cup.
However, Kenan had other plans. After some drinks, he suggested we chill at home. Against my better judgment, I agreed. As we drove home, I was already feeling a sense of guilt and regret. Where was my spine? Hadn’t I learned so many love lessons over the years? Why did I go along with this again? Yes, we had a pleasant evening and yes, it was immediately as usual, but at the same time I thought Kenan was a dirty man. He said that he had remained single all these years. All I could think about was how many STDs he’d already gifted. Yet we fell into the dynamics of three years ago and I changed again into the much too sweet and unassertive version of myself.
Once at home he immediately started kissing me and I could feel his hands moving towards my bra. Help! I could kick myself for letting it get this far. ‘Are you really that desperate to let this guy back in?’ I thought. After twenty minutes and an equally long motivational speech to myself (in my mind) it was suddenly ready. A kind of primal power emerged. Until here and no further. I got up, straightened my top and said, “You better go now. I’m going to regret this.”
“How so? You just kiss me too, right? You want me too. We’re not kids anymore, are we?” Kenan didn’t let himself be brushed off, but I was determined. Hell no I ended up in bed with him again! The word “transferable” was written on his forehead and this whole evening had been so unnecessary in the first place. I opened the front door and watched him storm out like an angry toddler. “Take care Kenan.”
I poured myself the remaining wine, curled up under a blanket with the Kardashians, and felt a sense of pride set in. It was three years ago, but I did learn something from those lessons. Old cows will remain in the ditch from now on. Former crushes, flings and exes are closed chapters for a reason and will stay where I left them from now on. Let by gones be by gones. I’ll just swipe left from now on.